Where's the "Joke" thread?

Muther
Posts: 1951

Re: Where's the "Joke" thread?

Postby Muther » Fri Jan 04, 2013 1:11 am

If your eyes were arranged vertically, the visual displacement in a mirror would be vertical.
Last edited by Muther on Mon Feb 11, 2013 4:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Strange things are afoot at the Circle K"

bohemian
Posts: 2073
Location: Parkville-far enough from KC

Re: Where's the "Joke" thread?

Postby bohemian » Wed Jan 09, 2013 7:07 pm

Sorry, not a joke. A dude died. Well...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-20962906

From the article:
"...horrific 'zorb' ride death..."

"...Russian authorities have launched an investigation after a man was killed during a ride down a ski slope inside a giant inflatable ball..."

Here's the key: "... they want to question three owners of the zorb ride, who are reportedly on the run."

The moral of ths story is: Beware with whom, and how, you zorb. Or don't abZorb...

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Pink
Posts: 5807
Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Re: Where's the "Joke" thread?

Postby Pink » Thu Jan 31, 2013 8:21 am

A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solutution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.


With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.



Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.


"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Terry, from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang."
I come from a long line of people who convinced others to sleep with them.

bohemian
Posts: 2073
Location: Parkville-far enough from KC

Re: Where's the "Joke" thread?

Postby bohemian » Thu Feb 07, 2013 8:44 pm

Copied from a redneck bud of mine in GA:

A young blonde Yankee woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe
I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was
driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, with a
gun in her hand. As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a smallish 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature between the eyes and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled mightily and managed to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she
screamed in frustration :
"DAMMIT! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

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Olathejoe
Posts: 10443

Re: Where's the "Joke" thread?

Postby Olathejoe » Thu Feb 07, 2013 9:21 pm

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore. The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"
Defiantly = bold disobedience Definitely = without a doubt

Muther
Posts: 1951

Re: Where's the "Joke" thread?

Postby Muther » Sat Feb 16, 2013 9:55 pm

A freshman preppy and her mom are in her new dorm room at a trendy Ivy league college. They are arranging the new drapes. Her new room mate, a southern belle-gcb type, walks in and greets them, "Oh, hey, where y'all from?"

The preppy, looks at her mom, they both roll their eyes, and the preppy says back, with a really snotty attitude, "Where, WE'RE from, they teach you not to end sentences with a preposition."

The new southern belle roomie answers back, with honey and sweetness dripping off of her southern accent,

"Oh hey, where y'all from, cunt!"
"Strange things are afoot at the Circle K"

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tomy
Posts: 4034
Location: Jerkwater, Kansas
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Re: Where's the "Joke" thread?

Postby tomy » Tue Feb 19, 2013 2:37 pm

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

bohemian
Posts: 2073
Location: Parkville-far enough from KC

Re: Where's the "Joke" thread?

Postby bohemian » Thu Mar 21, 2013 1:40 pm

It's that time of year, and everyone should appreciate this one.

An IRS auditor is auditing a local small town hospital.
He gets to the supplies the hospital uses.
He asks what the hospital does with all the ends of the rolls of bandages, when they're left over. The hospital administrator says they collect them, and at the end of the year, the supplier gives them a box of bandages.

He then asks about the plaster for casting. The admin guy says they collect the left over plaster from each boxe, and send it to the supplier and they get a box of plaster at the end of the year.
He then gets irked, as he can't seem to stump the supply guy, then has an AH-HA moment, and says what do you do with all the foreskins you cut off doing circumcisions? The admiin guy says they send all the foreskins in to their supplier and once a year, they get a REAL DICK!! :mrgreen:

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tomy
Posts: 4034
Location: Jerkwater, Kansas
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Re: Where's the "Joke" thread?

Postby tomy » Mon Mar 25, 2013 9:17 am

Just got off the phone with a guy living in Kansas.
He said that since early this morning the snow is nearly waist high and is still falling.
The temperature is dropping and is at about -25 degrees and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.
His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in...

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Lawson_Raider
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Location: Excelsior Springs, Missouri
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Re: Where's the "Joke" thread?

Postby Lawson_Raider » Mon Mar 25, 2013 12:44 pm

It's Monday. The end!
This thread likely ends here.

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Olathejoe
Posts: 10443

Re: Where's the "Joke" thread?

Postby Olathejoe » Wed Apr 10, 2013 12:53 pm

Last summer, I went fishing one morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms.Then I spotted a cottonmouth snake with a frog in its mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in its mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. Its eyes rolled back, and it went limp. I released the snake into the lake without incident and continued fishing, using the frog.

Not long after, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that darn snake ... with two more frogs.
Defiantly = bold disobedience Definitely = without a doubt

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tomy
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Location: Jerkwater, Kansas
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Re: Where's the "Joke" thread?

Postby tomy » Mon Jul 22, 2013 2:00 pm

An old man was asked, "At your ripe age, what do you prefer to get - Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"
The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinson's. Better to spill half an ounce of Scotch, than to forget where you keep the bottle!!"

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Olathejoe
Posts: 10443

Re: Where's the "Joke" thread?

Postby Olathejoe » Tue Jul 23, 2013 7:46 am

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
“Guaranteed. Yeah right!” he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there’s a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me!” Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, “I like the way this company does business!” The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens.

On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/ 20 pound program. The next day there’s a knock at the door and there
stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me, you can have me.” He’s out the door or after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens.

Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. “Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.”Absolutely,”he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years”.

The next day there’s a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, you’re mine.”
Defiantly = bold disobedience Definitely = without a doubt

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tomy
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Location: Jerkwater, Kansas
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Re: Where's the "Joke" thread?

Postby tomy » Mon Aug 05, 2013 6:19 am

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was
flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck My
problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to
the Gold Coast Zoo.
They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all
day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100
for your trouble..'
'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car
and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold
Coast when suddenly he was horrified!!
There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two
chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take
these chimpanzees to the zoo.'
'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so
now we're going to Sea World.

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tomy
Posts: 4034
Location: Jerkwater, Kansas
Contact:

Re: Where's the "Joke" thread?

Postby tomy » Mon Nov 04, 2013 8:22 am

SEX
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore ...
-- A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Lance Armstrong
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he's achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst he was on drugs.
-- When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig'n bike. 8)


The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
-- I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
-- Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
-- "For cryin' out loud! If you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

Scottish Wedding
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled..."Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
-- The bartender was almost crushed to death.


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